Parent Teacher Conferences

   Andy and I recently went to the girls' Parent-Teacher Conferences together, an event I had to miss last quarter due to my own schooling.  This time, though, I made every effort to be there and even got an excusal slip signed by my general practice manager to send to the Dean's office.  When I knocked on my manager's door and handed him the slip, he read my "excuse" and laughed at me.  "Teacher conferences for Kindergarten and preschool, eh?", he smirked.  "Well, go do what you gotta do."
   I already felt horrible that I missed the first conference in October and I certainly didn't appreciate his sarcastic tone implying that my time in clinic was more important.  I realize how ridiculous it sounds to have teacher conferences for a 5 and 3 year old, but when you're a parent who spends 85% of your children's weekday awake time away from them, there's nothing more exciting (and nerve-wrecking) to go chat with the people who see and spend time with them the most.  There was no way I was going to miss this!
   I may have underestimated how nervous I felt for this conference.  Boy how things change when kids grow up.  When the girls were smaller, teacher conferences were so much more exciting.  There was nothing they could say about a 1 year old or even 2 year old that would concern a parent.  In fact, it was quite the opposite, where all our conferences during those ages were all fluffed up about how "bright", "smart", and "caring" our girls were.  I'm sure all the other parents got the same speech to make them feel like their kid is the most fabulous child in the school.  I remember the girls' teachers would pull out some scribbled sheet of paper to show me their "work" and tell me how amazing it was that they could navigate the paper with the crayon.  And like all parents of really young children, we went home pleased and not at all shocked of all the great things the teachers had to say about our kids.

   Then the kids started growing up and now my girls are in a private Christian school where not only are the academics a bit more challenging, but the social interactions are much more complicated due to the nature of the smaller classrooms and the fact that they are older.  Just a few weeks ago, we received an email from Ms. Shannon, Kaylee's kindergarten teacher, expressing some concerns regarding her "bully-like" behavior towards another little girl in the class.  The email just about devastated me - I cannot even describe in words how bad I felt about it.  Not just for the other girl and her family, but simply because I felt like I had failed as a parent because I somehow had allowed my daughter to think it's ok to be a mean girl.  I played things over and over again in my head in how I had not taken time out to talk to Kaylee about bullies and regretted not being able to "see" this kind of potential behavior exist in her personality.  With Megan, we repeatedly had received notes home from Ms. Natalie stating that she did not finish her work at school and thus had to complete the worksheets for homework or that she refused to take a nap that day.  Again, for the past several months, I hated myself for not pushing her harder to learn to sit down and listen to directions and give her the same type of attention I had given Kaylee when it came to teaching her the alphabet and her numbers.  
   The guilt of failing my children gnawed away at me with each note or letter that we received stating whatever problem the girls had that day.  Academically, I knew Kaylee was fine if not excellent, but I constantly worried about her social behavior, competitiveness, and confidence in the classroom.  For Megan, I knew she would have no behavioral issues, but I had some serious concerns about her attention span, ability to follow directions, and general respect for authority.  All these concerns were things I as a parent should and could have worked on with my own children, and now I was going to face these teachers for the first time to hear what they have to say.

  We spoke with Megan's teacher first because Kaylee's was running a little behind schedule.  Ms. Natalie immediately pointed out in a very exaggerated tone, "Megan's coloring is BEAAAUTIFUL!  It is absolutely GORGEOUS.  It's AMAAAAZING."  It was kind of funny but also concerning because I couldn't help but wonder what she was covering up.  She told us that Megan's attention had improved significantly since last quarter and that she is much better at focusing on her schoolwork.  She told us that Megan is very good with other children and that she has never had to worry about her acting poorly in a social setting (whew) and that once again, her artwork is "ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE."  We had to stop there for a few minutes because Kaylee's teacher was now available and the next set of parents for Ms. Natalie had arrived, so we excused ourselves and told her we'd be back in a bit.
   On the way out I took a glimpse at the classroom's bulletin board, and saw all the Preschool kids' snowman pictures.  One stood out fairly quickly to my eyes, simply because it was colored to completion and was relatively neat compared to some of the other scribbled snowmen.  I squinted to read the name - and was stunned to see that it was Megan's!!  Wow!!  Ms. Natalie was right!  She wasn't lying at all....Megan's coloring really IS beautiful!

Meg's snowman - top left

   I smiled in realizing that my little Megan was becoming the budding artist I never knew she would be and stepped into Kaylee's classroom, where my anxiety quickly suppressed my good feelings from just a second ago.

  Things started out really great to my surprise.  Ms. Shannon was quick to point out that Kaylee had since stopped her mean tendencies towards that other girl and in fact starting standing up for her.  "Whatever you did with her at home, whatever you said, it worked!  We have had no problems with her since then."  If only she could see my joy on the inside - boy was I relieved to hear that.  What had been eating away at me for 2 weeks could finally be put away, and in its place came pride.  Pride not just for me and my tactic of talking to Kaylee about what it was like for me to be the little girl being bullied at my elementary school long ago, but pride for Kaylee.  I was so happy to hear that she was smart and mature enough to understand that she was wrong and that she was actively working to fix herself.
   From that moment, the rest of the conference was smooth sailing.  We chatted a bit about Kaylee being a bit hard on herself and not wanting to try new things (which Andy and I both agree that we may have been too hard on her when she fails at stuff at home from an early age), but Ms. Shannon mentioned that when Kaylee "ran" for class president and was voted second for VP, that she took it really well and that she has been participating in gym class and has had no issues with her.  Ms. Shannon showed us her report card and we were really pleased with our smarty-pant's performance.  Kaylee had almost a perfect score across the board (got a few 80's in math, which Andy quickly pointed out, "What's up with that?!") - but she has over 100% average in all her other subjects and admittedly, we rarely ever worked with her to study for tests or anything like that.  These grades are all her.   

Kaylee's 2nd quarter report card

   We went back to Ms. Natalie after Kaylee's conference and she showed us Megan's report card.  Apparently Meg knows her letters up to "I", which Ms. Natalie assured us was ok because that's how far they had gotten to in class.  It made Andy's eyebrows go up for a minute though, slightly concerned that we are more than halfway done with the school year but not nearly halfway through the alphabet.

Megan's report card

   I left the building of the school overall really happy.  Andy and I enjoyed a hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts on the way back, "celebrating" that the conferences went OK.  They weren't bad at all, but they weren't great either.  I realized that the days of the 1 and 2 year old conferences were gone where the teachers would tell me that my kid is the best in the class.  Now it is time for addressing some concerns and coming back next quarter to see how much they've improved.  I started realizing that there will always be work to be done at home and that it's really not going to get any easier than this.  And "this" is hard - has been hard.  But I also realized - to my relief - that much of the things we need to work on at home are all the result of what I did or didn't do as a parent.  Whether it be Kaylee's fear of trying new things or Megan's inability to recognize the letter "L", it's all stuff that I - as their Mom - need to work on with them.  As far as they are concerned, it was clearly evident that Kaylee and Megan both put in their fair share of the work and proved that they as individuals are excelling in their own ways.  We never really sat down with either of them to do schoolwork, and yet Kaylee managed to consistently score high on all her tests and she obviously can pick up the new information.  As soon as Andy and I addressed her behavioral issues in the classroom, she listened and immediately stopped.  For the letters and numbers that Ms. Natalie DID teach, Megan could recognize them all, which tells me that she is paying attention and learning on her own.  What more can I really ask of them?
   While I realized there was some work for ME to do, I quickly came to the conclusion that the girls were right on track and did everything that was asked and expected of them.  For this, I was filled with extreme pride for both of them and instantly turned my car around.  Instead of going back to school in Baltimore as I had already planned, I chose instead to go to the Arundel Mall.
   At the mall I visited the Disney Store where I scored on a "buy 1 get 1 free" deal of stuffed animal princesses.  Kaylee had been asking for a Tinkerbell, so I got her that and Megan a Jasmine doll (both for just $10!).  

   It's not every day that I spend money on them to buy them material things, but I felt like with how hard they've worked, they deserved it.  

     Once again in this journey called "parenting", I learned yet another lesson: Gotta keep working.  Kids will do what is asked of them, but it's up to me to be asking the right things for them to do.  Kids will stop if they are told to stop, but it's up to me to identify what needs to be stopped before it's too late.  And this will never end.
   I may not have really deserved anything, but stopped into Modell's to get myself a Raven's shirt.  Since there really is no "end" to this parenting job, I figured I could treat myself for what I considered to be my own progress report and self-evaluation.  Heck, the whole family deserves a shirt, right?  The success of one is the success of all in this family.  And that, my friends, is how I believe all parents get through the hard times.  Even when they think they are doing a horrible job, when they see their kids do something great, the parents must have done at least something right....right?  At least that's how I justified everyone winning a shirt for the day.

Why Dental School is a Lot Like Being a Parent

   It's now 2013 and I find myself reflecting a lot lately.  I just turned 31 28 for the 3rd time and I guess I'm just in awe of how fast those 3 years went by.  It really feels like yesterday that we moved here to Maryland in 2010 yet so much has changed since then.  When I think back to the 2.5 yo and 8 mo old girls I brought with me from Germany and the person I was before dental school - I realize we all have grown up - and I came upon a stunning realization that the course of my parenting adventure has amazing similarities to my expedition through dental school.  

   It probably isn't apparent to most people that being a Mom or Dad has anything to do with being a dental student.  But it definitely does, and I will have to start from the beginning to explain this phenomenon.

   Thinking back on receiving my acceptance letter to dental school, I can easily remember those feelings of surprise, joy, and complete excitement that I actually was going to become  a dentist.  At first I didn't believe it, then I jumped up and down a few times, called my family to share the news and celebrated with my husband.  Similarly back in 2006, after the initial shock wore off from first seeing that pink line on the pregnancy test, I recall a very similar event in which I most definitely didn't believe it, then called my family and celebrated with my husband (while he threw down a few drinks for other reasons I'm sure).  People around us even reacted in similar ways to both instances.  We received many congratulations regarding my future as a dentist just as I had with my future as a new parent. In both these situations, I was overjoyed, proud of the dentist/parent I would become, and vowed to myself that no matter how hard it is that I'll push myself to be the most fabulous dentist/parent ever.  I had day dreams of making my patients love and trust me just as I had dreams of my children wanting me to be their best friend.  

   Then as time went on for about 6-8 months since my acceptance letter / positive pregnancy test, I started doubting myself.  The anxiety began to set in.  Can I really do this?  Is this really happening?  Am I ready?  What else can I do to prepare?  There is nothing worse than that gut wrenching feeling around 3 weeks before dental school starts / before your due date where you feel like you can't run away from what is to come.  I remember distinctly in both situations, I had a talk with myself to say - face it, and just be confident.

   Then the day came.  The first day of dental school.  That day when I marched into the building, standing tall and ready for all the challenges that lay ahead.  I was on a high, not even phased by the fact that I couldn't sleep all night.  Similarly, the day my first daughter was born, I don't remember being tired at all despite the fact that I had been up since 10pm the night before.  Suddenly I became a parent - I had a new challenge, and I told myself that I'd be the very best that I can be.  I said the same thing when I first donned my white coat.

   By Day 3 of being a brand new student/parent, I realized the high was gone, and I was exhausted.  For the next 8-12 months, I slept very little.  I was up at weird hours of the night  and waking at ridiculously early times in the morning.  In becoming a dental student just as I had as a new mom, I distinctly threw away any motivation to make myself appear remotely put-together.  My daughter did learn to sleep better with each passing night, just as I learned to study better with each passing exam - but that didn't stop her from waking up at night just as my exams never stopped coming.  Even though I expected it, both first years of parenting and dental school always brought upon unfortunate events that just slapped me in the face, no matter how prepared I was.  No parent can prepare for a poop/vomit combo blowout just as no student can ever prepare for dropping a case full of teeth during a practical exam.

   Somewhere in that first year, I hit some milestones.  Those were what kept me going as a parent and also as a surviving first year dental student.  I went through the rites of passage of gross anatomy lab and picking up a handpiece.  Similarly, during the first years as a parent I witnessed my child's first spoon-fed meal and first steps.  I realized though that those milestones were there to just make me feel better.  As soon as you pat yourself on the back for getting this far, your kid rolls off the bed and bonks her head or you stab yourself with a running drill.

   At the 1 year mark, I started feeling more "advanced".  Not really, but I desperately wanted to feel it.  In school I saw new freshman coming in and I recall thinking how glad I was to not be them.  When my daughter turned 1 I remember feeling like a pro when I saw new young parents in the pediatrician's waiting room as they wooed over their newborn thinking "Hah, just wait."  By that 1 year point, I had a rhythm, a schedule and had things relatively under control.

   The problem is that starting Year 2 of dental school or Year 2 of being a parent is that it's still hard, if not harder - and no one really cares anymore.  People stopped asking how I was doing, and it was as if they seemed to think that since I'd been doing this for a year now, what's the problem?  Let me tell you what the problem is.  Year 2 is a lot like Year 1, except the novelty had worn off.  Being a Year 2 dental student is like being in a forgotten dungeon.  People forget all about you - all the attention goes to the first year students to help them get adjusted, the 3rd year students to help them begin clinic sessions, and 4th year students to help them graduate.  Likewise, being a parent of a 1 year old is old news because your kid is not the innocent little newborn anymore but you don't really get "credit" for dealing with the "Terrible Two's" because, well, they're not 2 yet.  It's awful.  My 2nd daughter didn't sleep well her entire first 2 years of life, and I most certainly didn't snooze right through that myself. My 2nd year of dental school was equally sleep-deprived as it was academically far challenging than my first year - I took more exams, had more lab hours, but just like being a parent of a 1 year old - it was a year to simply "suck up."

   Then 3rd year began - and in both my experiences as a dental student and as a parent - that was the year that everything changed.  My role suddenly changed.  Instead of taking care of the very basics (learning what's in the books / changing diapers and feeding), I suddenly became responsible to actually put all my skills into play.  I started clinic sessions as a 3rd year student, and in my 3rd year of parenting I suddenly had a comprehending, curious and very smart kid to deal with.  I had to learn to communicate better - with my stubborn toddler and stubborn patient alike.  I learned that chairside manners mattered more than book smarts for my patients, just like my behavior and quick wit mattered more than "What to Expect" books for my children.  This was the year - the 3rd year of being a dental student / parent - that I learned to manipulate and convince the patient/child that I was right.  I had to bribe my patients to brush their teeth and scare them into doing home oral hygiene just as I had done with my kids to simply behave and listen to me.  A big part of both working with patients and with kids is that I had to convince them that whatever I was proposing was their idea to begin with. 

   While I haven't gotten to my 4th year of dental school yet, I did reach my 4th year as a parent and I can easily predict what this year of school will be like.  In the 4th and final year of dental school, I will really be tested in pretty much everything I've learned and accumulated in the past 3 years.  There are national boards, regional/state board exams, endless competency exams and applications to residencies or jobs.  It's as if one test is not enough to prove that I know how to be a dentist.  I can see that being a parent of a 4 year old is oddly not much different.  Everything I'd practiced (or didn't practice) came out of the closet by this stage.  Just like being a 4th year dental student, being a 4th year parent is filled with tests.  My daughter asked endless questions, quizzing me, testing me - not just on my patience but on every. single. thing that she was curious about.  But why?  How does that work?  Why does it do that?  How come you don't know why it does that?  All I wanted to say was "Just because that's the way it is!!" but just like any patient who wants answers, a kid can see right through it.

   Then in 2014 I'll be done with school, and I'm curious if the similarities between my dental career and parenting will continue.  Just the other day, I sent my very first patient that I started working with in June 2012 home with her new set of partial dentures.  It had been a long, arduous process involving appointments on a bimonthly basis (minimum) and hours and hours of work, re-work, and more work.  When I completed her final adjustment yesterday and watched her walk through the doors outside from the reception desk, I felt a pang of some feeling similar to that when I first sent Kaylee off to Kindergarten.  Just as I had taught Kaylee to keep her legs crossed, use nice words, and be friendly towards others before sending her off, I had worked with my patient for 8 months, giving her the tools and instruction to take care of herself and her teeth, and sent her home.  Funny when I look back and compare the two events, I found myself reflecting on all that I've learned throughout these few years and realized it's far more than I could have imagined.

   Both parenting and dental school certainly made me age.  I feel, act, and look older.  Both experiences gave me anxiety at some points where I thought I would break, and I felt like I was falling off the edge a few times in both my parenting and educational adventures.  I found comfort in seeking friends in dental school or parents that could relate to my frustrations, and more than once in my parenting path or school experience did I ask myself "How did I get here"?

   I know it doesn't get easier.  Just because I graduate from doesn't mean my professional life now will be easy.  Just because my kids are potty trained and can tie their shoes certainly doesn't mean that my job is done.  I guess what I learned from both these experiences is the similarities that in the end - life in general just gets harder.  As it should.  After all, where is the joy in overcoming those challenges if everything were easy?