I've lived my own version of "2nd child syndrome" - and by my own definition, that simply means: getting shafted. My earliest memories of this is when I was 3: my parents had promised me a birthday party for my 4th birthday, specifically at Chucky Cheese. My brother, Tim, had his birthday at Chucky Cheese so of course that's just what I wanted too. Well my birthday rolled around and guess what? No Chucky Cheese. My grandmother had gotten hit by a car (right in front of my eyes), broke her leg and was in a full-legged cast. The fact that I can remember that day 27 years ago leads me to believe I was traumatized by that incident. I remember telling the police "No" when they asked if I spoke English and then rattling off my parent's phone numbers perfectly when they asked me if I knew it. I remember my grandfather's worried face, my grandmother telling me it wasn't my fault (but it was - I dropped a toy in the street and went back to get it), and I remember the automatic doors at the hospital and wondering how they knew to open to let me in.
The thing I don't remember is how I felt about it. I remember being scared for a little bit when it happened but my grandma was so hardcore that she didn't even seem like she was in pain, so I stopped feeling scared. I don't remember feeling bad, really, even though it was a pretty big event in the life of a preschooler. What I do remember though, clear as yesterday, is how I felt when my parents told me that Chucky Cheese wasn't happening. I remember where I was sitting and I distinctly remember feeling sad about it. They promised I'd get the party the following year (which I never did get)....and it really took a good 10 years before I decided to drop it and move onto the fact that my brother always got ice cream cakes at the store for his birthday while I got homemade box cake for mine.
Did it scar me for life? No, not really. Did I always feel like 2nd best after that and start noticing other ways I was getting shafted? Yeah, for sure. And that is my fear with my Megan - not because I worry she'll feel like she's behind her sister, but because I didn't try harder to prevent her from feeling that way if she ever does. Obviously I realize some things just are the way they are - she obviously couldn't do soccer and dance when she was younger and had to watch her sister, while Kaylee never had an older sibling to look up to so she never knew what she was missing. I know she'll watch Kaylee go through the "firsts" of many milestones before she does as I did with my brother, and I know she's going to need her parents to validate that her milestones and achievements are just as great in her life.
Which is why I literally flipped out on my poor husband on the Saturday night before the Sunday "party" we were going to have for Megan. Because our family was in town and her actual birthday was on a Tuesday, we chose Sunday as her celebration day. I had planned a nice cake for her, some gifts, and just a day of making her feel special. However, Saturday came and we spent the day at the park followed by 2 hours of trying to find a place to eat without reservations, and when I mentioned getting gifts for her after dinner at home, he responded with "Oh I figured we can go take her somewhere to pick something out."
I should say, in Andy's defense, that he always, ALWAYS means well. He never means to flick that switch in me from "sane" to "crazy". But at that moment, I admittedly freaked out. I was already mad at myself for not planning ahead and getting her a gift prior to that weekend when I had all summer to do so, not to mention I hadn't even started on her cake yet. I imagined my daughter having nothing to open on her birthday, and thinking that somewhere in her little mind, she would remember her sister's birthday and how many gifts she got to open just 2 months ago. Memories of Chucky Cheese swept into my mind, my heart felt so heavy I could pick it up off the floor.
No. Megan is NOT going to have a Chucky Cheese moment. Not now. Not ever if I could help it.
So I stormed out, went to Toys R' Us, Safeway, and Walmart. I picked up a few odds and ends, and finally made my way back home 2.5 hours later. I started the cake at 10pm, and it was completed by 4:30am. When the sun came up, I drank some coffee and we started the day.
Megan's celebration was indeed, a good celebration. We started off by taking her to the mall where she got to pick out a Build-a-Bear as a gift from Andy's folks. We had to remind Kaylee several times to not influence Meg's selection of what bear she wanted. Apparently Megan was not used to this freedom because she spent 80% of our visit trying to pick out a bear on her own!
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| Megan's forced smile outside the factory |
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| Lookin for a bear shell.... |
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| The most indecisive bear-picker I've ever seen. |
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| 10 min later - we got a winner! |
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| Meg steps on the pedal to stuff her bear... |
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| ....picks out a heart.... |
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| ....warms it up... |
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| ...and stuffs it in. |
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| Kaylee helps her give the bear a bath. |
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| Registers the bear as "Fluffy Chung" |
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| Waits patiently for Grandpa and Grandma to pay... |
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| ...and gives them a big thank-you hug! |
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| ....and off we go! |
On the way back we had stopped by a seafood market and got some crabs and mussels which we fixed up for an awesome dinner.
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| Megan imitating a crab |
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| Ready to dig in! |
After dinner we presented the doll house my mom had brought for her and Kaylee, but at the time it wasn't set up yet so I don't think it registered with her just how great a gift that was. Then she opened up another gift (Crocodile Dentist), and I sat there watching her face, wondering what she was feeling.
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| Look at that face! |
I saw the light in her eyes when she ripped the present open and held up the giant box. Even earlier in the day when she opened her other 2 presents, she seemed happy but not really understanding of why she was getting any presents in the first place. But I felt like - and it may be my imagination - that as the day went on and we did more and more things for her, she began to realize something like, "Hey, today is something special for me!"
It was only for a flash of a moment, but I definitely saw it. Her face lit up staring at the box, and then she looked up at us and shouted, "Happy Birthday, Megan!!!" At that moment my heart melted as I knew that I - that WE, her loving family and grandparents - had done it. We had made her feel like a special girl, and while she may not have gotten it earlier that morning, I knew she would go to bed feeling like she was on top of a mountain. That feeling literally only lasted for 30 seconds because as soon as we opened the box and saw the crocodile, she panicked and never touched it....and then I was hating myself again for picking the wrong present. But, while it lingered for a moment, I loved every second of seeing that face of hers.
I know that there is no way around getting past the challenges of making each of your kids feel like everything is fair. I most certainly know it's an impossible task for parents to achieve and that the existence of a family hierarchy is very important in how kids develop as mature adults. I know there will be times that Megan thinks her sister gets everything first and when Kaylee thinks Megan has life way too easy. I hate that the rivalry will exist and that I may not recognize how or when to step in.
But I also am aware of this - Megan is so very loved by everyone who meets her. She is adored by her grandparents and her sister can't live without her. When she was born, she made our family complete. She never complains about not getting something and is always so gracious by sharing what she has with her sister. Megan has a heart of gold and a spirit so pure that makes me so sensitive to her feelings because I just know she will give more than she will take in her grown life. She is a tough nugget on the outside but tender and delicate on the inside, and I have made it my duty to ensure nothing harmful can enter to harden that heart.
As she starts preschool this fall, it is inevitable she will begin feeling those emotions that develop in the early life of a child that unfortunately, no one can stop. I've seen it happening in Kaylee as she experiences new feelings like shame, resentment, anxiety, jealousy - all the negative things that kids will ultimately learn to understand as they spend more time with their little social circle of peers. I am sad for Megan because I know in just a few short months she will start growing up and feeling those things too, just like I did when I was her age, and I know I can't stop her from growing up. I just have to accept it.
But at least, just for this birthday - I know I did my best and can be happy with that. She's only going to turn 3 once, and for her birthday I just wanted to do something special before she loses more of her innocence. I may not have given her the best gifts...but by the look of her face and her smile as I kissed her goodnight, I know I succeeded in giving her my Chucky Cheese.
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