A Good Memory in the Making

   When it comes to child-rearing, I'm afraid that the Chung clan has recently experienced a string of misfortunate events that has led to numerous scoldings, time-outs, and the much-dreaded 벌 ("buhl" - i.e. "arms up for an indefinite period of time.")  Of course, this is not something new as it tends to come and go in phases, but as the girls have gotten older and much smarter, the challenges upon the parents has also become significantly (and exponentially) more difficult as well.
   It started with the generic "not listening" phase, which includes not responding to their names, not answering when asked a question, and most irritating, not doing what they've been asked to do.  Then it expanded to "not listening to things they've known not to do", such as coloring on the walls, coloring on the couches, and taking sheets and sheets of stickers and placing them all over the house.  The final straw came one morning when I woke up (albeit, slept in) to hear my usually calm husband scream, "OH MY GOD!! KAYLEE CHUNG!!  People go to SCHOOL to learn how to cut hair!!! Did YOU got to SCHOOL to learn that?!? I don't THINK so!!"  Yes, my children had just gotten their pretty hair cuts the day before at the salon (costing me $30), only for them to become inspired to play Barber on each other the very next morning.
   That was a rough day for us - all of us.  The girls spent most of the afternoon staring at each other in their time out chairs with their arms over their heads, tear-streaked faces with one of them half-covered with her latest new short bangs.  As I sat there and reflected, feeling completely betrayed by my oldest daughter who 'knows better' and filled with anxiety with the thought that my youngest may actually be totally brainless (letting her sister have scissors that close to her head) - I realized deep down, it must be me.  After all, I've been saying "no this, no that, not today, don't do that...." All these NO's surely must be a factor of my laziness to reward good behavior, and so I decided I needed to revamp my system.  I put my Family CEO hat on and started to brainstorm ways to incentivize my children to behave, and moreso, to respect their boss's requests.  Ultimately, I don't want my kids to have any bad memories of their childhood when it comes to the fierceness of their punishments.
   We set some goals - I spent 6 hours making a new reward chart for their music lessons and planned practicing sessions, signed them up for a kids fun race, brainstormed some more "grand prizes" for their Behavior Board, bought new packs of "First Time Obedience Mints", and then sat down to talk to them about some of the things they have to look forward to with these new goals.
  
   Just this past weekend, I think I hit the jackpot.  Or, should I say, Kaylee hit the jackpot.  We have been trying to get her to swim across a 25m pool for some time now in order for her to be eligible to try out for the swim team.  I told her that I'd take her to a Build-A-Bear Workshop if she did the swim, and two days later she swam across a 20-yard pool at her swim lesson.  I told her she was getting close, and that we could go to FT Meade, where her swim team try-outs would be next month, and give it a shot.
   I wasn't really too hopeful that she'd do it - I didn't want to push her because I know she has some fear of the deep end, and the pool at FT Meade is actually really deep.  As much as I want her to be on the swim team for financial reasons (swim lessons are SO expensive!), I really had no intention of forcing the swim upon her.  If she wanted to try, then cool.  If not, she'd do it when she was ready.  She tried swimming from the deep end a few times and would stop and get flustered right at the halfway mark, so I turned it into a swim lesson and we tried different strokes and had some fun with it.  Finally after about an hour, Andy got us a lane to ourselves and he said something to her like "OK now you're going to swim from the deep end to here" - and she refused at first - and then he said something about the Build-A-Bear and she immediately got out of the pool ran around it to the deep end, and met me there as I told her I would be in the water right in front and facing her if she needed me. 
   The next 45 seconds (or was it a minute or two?) were pretty amazing.  I treaded water facing my daughter, who dove into the deep end and began her freestyle stroke towards me. I inched farther and farther back as she came towards me, and with each passing meter I would think, "She's got this!"  I was so surprised when we passed the half way mark, and then when I got to the shallow end where I could stand, I knew she was going to do it.  It's one of those "magical" moments that I feel so blessed to have been witness to in my daughter's life.  She grabbed the wall on the shallow end and came up with all-smiles, her little eyes beaming through her foggy goggles.  

   So that afternoon, Kaylee and I had a special date to the Build-A-Bear workshop in Columbia.  She picked out the most colorful bear against all my efforts to divert her to a more normal looking creature, and enjoyed every minute of this experience.

Kaylee picks out her bear.

Holding it while waiting in line to get it stuffed.

Kaylee steps on the pedal to start the stuffing machine.

Fascinated that her bear is getting filled.

Warming up the little red heart with her hands and later gives it a kiss. 

Puts the heart inside the bear before tying it up.

Bathtime for the bear!

Scrub a dub dub.

Picked out an outfit for her bear and heads to computer station to "register" the bear and obtain her "birth certificate".

Bear is in her home and Kaylee carries her out of the mall.

Outside, we dress the bear in her bathing suit and sandals.

Welcome to the family, Katie Bear Chung.

   Since Katie Bear has come home, she has played a very special role in Kaylee's life.  It probably won't last long, but she has joined us for every meal, been present for all our car rides, and spent each night in Kaylee's bed.  
   I asked Kaylee what made her keep going in the pool that last time instead of stopping, and she told me: "Well, I wanted to stop but when I looked up and saw the end, I knew I could do it. And if I stopped, then I wouldn't get my bear."  If my shoulder didn't hurt so much (injury), I would have patted myself on the back for thinking of such a great incentive.  I know this isn't about me, but I can't help but be happy with myself for thinking of something POSITIVE that actually worked in getting my kid to do something great.  Now, for the next prize - I told her that if she actually makes the swim team, then we'd go back to the Workshop and buy Katie Bear a new outfit.  As for Megan, she'll get a bear when she does her swim lesson and sits still the whole half hour.  That may be a while.
   
   The next time Kaylee does that swim for the try-outs, I know I won't be in there with her.  I don't know if me being there helped at all, but I'm sure at some degree it was comforting for her to know that she had a safety net.  For a moment while I was in the water with Kaylee, I was brought back to my own childhood when I was about 4 or so - and there is a distinct memory I have of my first time swimming to the shallow end from the deep end.  I was on the diving board and my father was facing me, and he told me to jump in and claimed that he would catch me.  Instead, he inched farther and farther back as soon as I jumped in, making me swim towards him, until I reached the other side and grabbed the wall.  I remember feeling panicked when I realized he wasn't going to catch me, and I still recall that fear turning to courage when I also realized my dad would not let me drown.  I remember seeing the little light under water, and thinking to myself "Just keep swimming and then I can stand."  When I think of that moment, I admit I get a little teary-eyed because I remember that day so well in my early life - it's one of the best memories I have of my dad.  The difference between now and then is that my dad tricked me into swimming, and Kaylee actually has an identifiable stroke.  But nevertheless, I'm thinking she's old enough to remember this for the rest of her life - and maybe, I'm hoping - I'll be a big part of that happy memory.