I should start out by mentioning that a huge change recently occurred in our household, one that deserves a post of its own (and I promise I will once I get the circus that is my life under control). Little Carter Chung joined our family 1 month ago today; and while I am completely in love with life as a new mommy with a fresh slate, I am grieving at the thought that I just tainted the one I had kept somewhat clean for the past three years of Megan's life. Everyone says the middle child is the hardest to deal with. I was so unbelievably determined not to let that happen - I had bought her the obligatory "Bigger Sister" T-shirt, talked about how great it is to be a big sister and no longer a baby, and did all the things I thought I should to properly welcome Carter into the world without all the jealously and problems typically associated with new babies. The first few days were good - in fact they were great. I was convinced the birth order theory didn't apply to my children with how much love was going around for the new baby. But sure enough, within 30 days, here I have it - my little Meg Bug has the "Middle Child Syndrome." And I totally was blind to it.
For some reason I was looking for all the wrong signs. I thought that if Megan started hitting him or purposely shoving him or sticking his binkie in her mouth that I would have a problem. She did none of those things, and in fact she has been quite the opposite. She absolutely adores her little brother, visibly much more than her older sister does, and she is quick to bring him a blanket or a toy when he is crying or read him a book when he's awake. She is gentle, loving, and filled with care when she is around Carter. She prays for him at the dinner table and thanks God for making him "so cute."
All these things made it so much harder for me when I realized today just how awful things had been for Megan these last few weeks. Things have been so busy I hadn't had much time to study (I'm supposed to be taking national board exams here soon), and today I had the opportunity to sit down for several consecutive hours at the library. Literally within 10 minutes of arriving there, I received a call from the girls' summer camp telling me that Megan had been crying ever since I left and was inconsolable. Admittedly, my first reaction was "Well, she shouldn't be crying - leave her alone! Heck, leave ME alone I'm trying to study!" But I quickly realized something big must be going on, and especially after talking to Andy (who they also called and who ultimately talked to Meg on the phone to calm her down), I discovered she'd been acting "off" all week long and doing things very uncharacteristic of the sweet girl she is - she'd been disobedient, hitting others, and crying every day.
I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes thinking things over before I went to pick her up. I thought back to the past few weeks and strained my memory to try to figure out where I'd gone wrong. Looking through my eyes, I actually saw things going well. My mom got here to help out about a week and a half ago and she'd been taking Megan to her swim lesson in the morning while I took Kaylee to her team practice at FT Meade at about the same time. I was able to work a deal with the camp to let them do half days instead of full days so they could get their swim time in the morning and not get burned out with the same mundane activities of a smaller camp. On occasion, like yesterday, when Kaylee didn't have morning practice I would take the girls both to Megan's pool and would swim laps with Kaylee while Megan was at her lesson. In my head, I rationalized that I was doing good for the girls because I was taking away my "study time" in order to give them "fun time." And the times that I was swimming with Kaylee was an added bonus because now I'm giving Megan swim lesson time, Kaylee one-on-one coaching time, and me some physical activity time (Lord knows I haven't had that in a while!) all at the same time. I thought it was a win for all.
Well, clearly I was wrong. And once I realized just how very wrong I was, my heart just shattered into a bazillion pieces. I thought back to how Megan had wet her pants twice in the past week and how she had actually pooped in her swimsuit just yesterday at her swim lesson (something I didn't find out until we got into the showers afterwards - boy was I furious!) I thought, for the first time, through her eyes and tried to imagine her day and what that was like...and I realized just how much I had been neglecting her.
Yes, she may have had morning swim lessons, and no doubt the girls loves swimming. But in her head she went to swimming with Grandma while Mommy was at a different pool with Kaylee and Carter. Then after camp she comes home, where now Daddy takes Kaylee to evening swim practice while Mommy holds Carter all evening. There's no wonder why she pooped yesterday because even though I told her to come get me if she needed something, all she probably saw was that Mommy was busy swimming with Kaylee. To make matters worse, Kaylee's birthday party is Saturday and all our "girl time" at home had revolved around packing treat bags and prepping for the party and Megan's birthday comes way after both Carter's and Kaylee's. Sure, she's a big sister now, but really how special is that title when it's just yet another hand-me-down title that her sister had first?
So, knowing that this would take some time, I decided (with Andy's help on ideas) - to pack up my bags and pick Megan up to take her on a date. We went to the mall - and shamefully I did run some more errands for Kaylee's party - but I presented it as Megan's official "Big Sister Party" with Mommy and Mommy alone. Of course within 15 minutes of arriving at the mall, my mom called me to tell me to come home because Carter had been fussing inconsolably for the past few hours and I almost lost my mind right then and there at Old Navy. But thankfully he stopped and Megan and I were able to enjoy our afternoon out. We bought her an outfit to wear to Kaylee's party, then got frozen yogurt, picked up a few books, and rode those stupid carnival rides that eats up your quarters.
I realize this doesn't fix anything or make anything much better, but I took some pictures to at least remember my pathetic attempt at helping my daughter regain her sense of self-worth, security, and place in the family and this world.
Perhaps the thing that is eating away at me is that she has no idea why she feels the way she does. She has no idea how to verbalize her emotions much less understand them herself. Each day she would go to swimming and to camp happy as a clam, only to later break down in a wreck of emotions making her cry out for her parents. She didn't know why she was having so many accidents, and she probably didn't understand why she was getting punished so much for them. Meg definitely didn't understand why I picked her up without her sister today, and as we walked the mall she kept pointing out things that she thought Kaylee would like for her birthday. At one point she stuck her finger out at "Monster's Oooniversity" by the Disney Store and specifically asked, "Can we buy that?" at a pack of Monsters, Inc. figurines. In all her life I had never heard her ask to buy anything - it had always been "Look at this, Mom!" "Wow, I like that!", but never "Can I have that?" So of course I caved and spent the $21 on cheap PVS toy figurines that will soon find their way under the couches and beds. But for the day, it made her happy.
It will be a while before I get over this guilt. Andy and I both noticed a few weeks ago that Megan had been so quick to run upstairs and play by herself in the playroom while the rest of the family would hang downstairs, and we just chalked it up to her enjoying her own space. The more I think of it, the more things keep popping into my head that I now recognize as signs that things weren't going well for our young daughter. I have no idea how to unload some of this guilt - I almost don't want to because I feel it will make me a better mom in time. But I also know that I won't make it past her 5th year of life without dying from guilt if I can't find a way to let it go because surely I'll be messing more stuff up in the near future.
And thus lies the not-so-great moments of parenthood. The times that make your heart ache and brings you to desperation to pray day and night for weeks and months that your child does not become affected long-term by your poor choices and actions. The times where you wish that your claim of "I tried my best" actually will mean something to your kids one day. The times where you genuinely would turn back time to do things differently.
Megan has to be the sweetest kid on this earth, with a heart full of love and compassion for other people. I am so lucky she is like that because although I know I don't deserve it, she has forgiven me.
