It's certainly been a while since I've written my last blog entry, and I attribute that to the fact that life, albeit wonderful, can be so darn busy. I don't know whoever said that this semester (2nd semester, 2nd year of dental school) was supposed to be "easy", but if I ever find that guy, we're going to have some words. I began this semester with high hopes of this "easy" settling in nicely into my existence - I gave it a few weeks after the holidays had passed, then a few more, and then a few more, just waiting for it to come to my doorstep. And then soon enough, we were into February. Shockingly, I had not gotten any more sleep than usual and I found myself comfortably overwhelmed with all that school had to offer me, once again. Then I realized, I had done it again - I drank the Kool-Aid of lies that seem to suck away at what's left of an optimistic soul.
I have no one to blame but myself - I do this time and time again, and it's a huge fault of mine. When things get rough, I literally believe what I want to believe; and whenever I find someone who can confirm it, I convince myself that it MUST be true and am utterly shocked when I find out it's not. Like the time some lady at the Commissary saw me struggling with my then-18 month old Kaylee, hugely pregnant and trying to load up groceries with one arm while holding my daughter in a choke hold with the other. "Don't worry, dear, the second one is so much easier. What's one more when you already have one at home? You won't even realize you have two children - it's actually easier with two because they'll play with each other!"
LIE. I can still remember her face and if I ever see her again, I'm going to call her out on the big fat lie that led me on for years after that day. I know I believed her for some reason in the past, and I still believed it up to about a few months ago when I just sat there - sleepless - and rationally thought about what she had said. No, life is not easier when you add additional kids to your family. I'm here to tell you that. There is no way that logistically, carrying diapers, wipes, pull-ups, AND a change of clothes is easier than just one set. It is not at all simpler to have one child wake up screaming at night, only for you to now have to put TWO kids back to bed instead of just one. While it is true that the girls play nicely at times, when they fight, there is no referee in any professional sport in this country that can handle two sisters under the age of 4 going at it tooth and nail (and hair). There is absolutely nothing easier about having more people to take care of - why on earth didn't I think of that before??
The other day one of my faculty at my school sat down next to me and told me, "You know, at the start of this (this = bootcamp = once a week practice sessions for fixed prosthodontics), you were certainly not the best at this stuff." And I nodded at him, because I knew that was the truth, and I was about to bet my life on what he was about to say next. "And you know what? You're still not really the best." ...Aaaannd I would have lost my life had I made that bet. I most definitely did not see that one coming. I don't know what possessed him to say that, but he continued on with, "But you are a really hard worker, and I'll tell you something. Any deficiency in talent can ALWAYS be made up with hard work."
I nodded again, and I believed him. Yeah, I told myself....you're awesome, Grace. You're such a hard worker and really, that's all it matters. Dr. B knows that you work your butt off and I'm sure if I work really, really hard, one day it will come full circle and man will I be successful!"
So I went home that day and took it all in as a compliment. I don't usually get those so I was pretty satisfied with myself. But the next day, at around 5:15am after "oversleeping" and realizing I wasn't going to get a chance to study in the morning for my exam, I thought to myself about how nice it would be to just be smart and not have to go over things again, and again, and again, and be confident that I could walk into an exam and know that I could pass. Then it hit me, and I realized I had fallen for it again....and I was so angry with myself. I had been told yet another lie and I failed to see it - again.
I mean, c'mon. My mom has been telling me that my whole life - "Oh, you're such a hard worker!" but really, it just means, "You try so hard and you just don't get it!" If the hard work actually led to somewhere substantial, you would never be referred to as a "hard worker" - you'd just...be. Michael Jordan was not the best basketball player in the world because of his "hard work" - he just was the best. Mariah Carey isn't known for how much she slaves away at her singing career - she is just simply one of the greatest. Of course they all work hard and bust their chops daily to be where they are, but my point is, no one who is truly GREAT at what he does is known for his hard work. Deficiency in talent can be made up with hard work? Seriously?? Just read that sentence again and tell me if it makes any sense. While I do believe that deficiency at a skill may be made up with hard work, he failed to mention that if you have to put in hard work, you'll be deficient elsewhere - like time. Time to sleep, time with family, time to not be working hard at whatever it is you're trying to make up for. It's a horrible way to justify why one just may not have the knack for something. If I just had the brains, I could sleep in till 6 every morning and not have to study as hard as the straight-A kid a few chairs down. If I had the skills, I wouldn't have to buy new practice "teeth" every week to prepare for a competency exam and instead save myself $40. What I do believe in is that you can't go wrong by working hard - but you can go wrong thinking that you'll be on even grounds with someone who just "has it" just because you worked hard. You'll just be set up for disappointment.
I am not trying to be a pessimist by the way - I just find it funny that I can be so gullible at times when I just need something to believe in. Like the time I really wanted to treat Andy to something special our senior year at West Point, so when I received a call that I had "won" a cruise, I paid $400 over the phone to some bogus company to "book" my timeshare of a vacation. Or the time that I got a compliment on a hair scrunchy I made for the girls so I went out and bought 16 yards of fabric to make new curtains for the kitchen, not realizing I had no idea what I was doing (they are still not completed.) When it comes to biting on a fishhook - I truly have that gift.
In the end, I failed myself by believing that things were going to get easier. That's life, though, and I know that. I guess when things are hard, and almost too hard, I have a way of convincing myself it will turn up. But the truth is, it doesn't - and it shouldn't. If life weren't a challenge, then it'd be too boring. I know life gets harder as kids get older - my job as Mommy is still just warming up. I know in the back of my mind that chicken nuggets and mac n' cheese dinners are not going to last much longer, and that the sand my kid threw in someone's face is just a joke compared to what's to come in the future. I know realistically that my failing exam grade is really just pebbles compared to the rocks I'll face in true practice if I fail to correctly diagnose an illness, and I know that the annoyance of my husband forgetting to gas up my car pales in comparison to the day I actually have to change a tire.
Instead of thinking things should get easier, I think I'll take a minute now to embrace the fact that it won't. What will change, though, is my attitude, and knowing - and being ok with - that idea that any challenge is a good thing. Hard work is good because it makes you appreciate the talents you do have in other areas. Having crazy kids now will make me appreciate just how precious they are when they become reckless teenagers. My struggles in dental school will be something to laugh at when I actually "get it" in a few years when I get out and can comfortably work on a patient.
At the end of the day, I can pat myself on the back for doing the best I can despite whatever challenges come up that day. No matter how small they may seem, it's still something I could overcome. When the kids are screaming, fighting, and crying, while I'm cooking, studying, and cleaning, I can at least say with confidence that the sun will still come up the next day - and how I choose to greet the new morning is all on me. I can either fake-believe that this day will be magically easier than the day before, or I can look the sun straight on through my yogurt-smudged sunglasses and say: "Bring it."
